Wonderland.

Although I'm a transplant from Texas, I do have one close family member up here in Yankee territory. My great uncle - UG - grew up in Chicago and relocated to New York City after graduating with his law degree at an early age.

Everything about him amazes me - his lifestyle, the decorous way in which he conducts himself, his hobbies and interests, the places he's been and the things he's accomplished - to me, his life has been, and continues to be, the stuff of novels.

He even has the penultimate "meet-cute" story, and was with his significant other until an unexpected bout with cancer crept up on them. Because our family had a complicated relationship with UG throughout most of my childhood, regrettably, we weren't close with him until I moved to New York almost three years ago. Consequently, I never got to meet UG's S.O. - something that profoundly saddens me.

Making up for lost time has proven a bit uncomfortable at times, but we've managed to resurrect a solid foundation from the broken pieces of our family tree. UG currently lives upstate near the New York/ Connecticut/ Massachusetts border in a 200 year old farmhouse, which he refurbished himself. I visit him once every few months or so, which doesn't sound often enough I suppose.

Jumping on Metro North, watching the buildings grow smaller and farther apart until they dissipate into hillside and trees, is like a slow-motion version of falling down the rabbit hole.

And when the journey comes to an end, I too, emerge in a forest - a forest of antique Chippendale, sterling silver, and fine bone china. No need to paint the roses red, as they already are. There's even a Cheshire cat (or two) to be found.

During my last visit, I was roused at 3 AM by booming thunderclaps, I sat up and watched as a fantastic rural light show played across the window-panes, ushering in droplets of rain in droves. The rain pitter-pattered against the house, staccato, the sound conjuring images of toy soldiers marching in formation across the creaky wooden floorboards.

Sitting in the garden the next morning, we watched the sun reach down and kiss sparkling blossoms and blades of grass. Listened to bullfrogs harrumph loudly before abandoning the tops of lily pads for cool depths of pond. Spied turtles stoically poised atop partly submerged roots.

Later that afternoon, we headed to Innisfree, where I decided that my camera and I could spend many happy hours on end.

Trudging back to the train to leave a world of quiet green peace, gourmet dinners, and fleeting glimpses into UG's fabulous formative years is always a melancholy affair. While it's hard to leave the City behind some weekends, I'm always glad that I have,as UG just may be the most adorable man on the face of the planet.

I often find myself awed and amazed that I'm related to this man.

This is my version of Wonderland.

Futurama vs. South Park (OR: The EyePhone vs. Kip Drordy)

I posted this over on 20SB, but wanted to share it here, too since I think (OK, hope - but what do I know) that some of you might appreciate it. And be slightly amused (or just reinforce that I'm not entirely crazy and that you know what the eff I'm talking about).

Because of yesterday's post on the frightening similarities between owning an iPhone and crack addiction, and how Apple users are pretty much brainwashed for life once they convert (or, at least I was ...), I got to thinking about a recent episode of the new season of Futurama (which warrants a whole new tangent that I'll spare you) featuring the Mom Corporation and its EyePhone 2.0 and her evil plan to control users via a viral "twit-worm."

And because my poor brain works like one of those Plinko boards on The Price is Right, the thoughts kind of bounce around willy-nilly from here-to-there with no clear logical path.

The first bounce left me giggling over the South Park episode that similarly rips upon another fave social media tool - good ol' FB - and the way in which the characters readily discard reality in favor of living a life on the interwebs. (Stan, poke your Grandma.)

Both episodes are absolutely hysterical to me - probably because I'm the very sort the creators of both shows set out to mock - the heavy internet user, ever reliant on Twitter, the iPhone and Facebook, just to name a few.

So, I continue pondering, and the Plinko-chip-thoughts bounce around in a few other directions, ending up where they may, namely on the following two quandaries that I think I need your help answering:

1. Which episode do you think is funnier?


2. If Bender, Frey and their army of Twitcher followers faced off against Stan and his 845,000 Facebook friends in a dark alley, who would win?
   

I'm listening.

The addiction that's more expensive than crack.

Yep, I'm talking about the iPhone.

I used to have a Tiny-Phone - or so my friend Smaddy christened it.

Exhibit A: Tiny-Phone.

I also had a BlackBerry bequeathed to me by my office - data only. But I still thought it was pretty sweet (ahem, please see Exhibit A for insight into this reasoning).

But as more and more of my friends brandished iPhones about town, my envy level rose as quickly as ... a teenage boy's libido? Yep, let's go with it - I had a hard-on for the iPhone.

Fast forward to Christmas 2009 - Momma J took pity upon her poor, un-cool, Tiny-Phone carrying children and purchased iPhones as the big present of the season. Complete with Spoiled Child Family Plan.

Huzza! Finally able to count myself among the "cool-kid" ranks, the thing became practically welded to my hand. And I ditched my BlackBerry faster than it would probably take the aforementioned hypothetical teenage boy to prematurely ejaculate if faced with the object of his libido-inducing desire.

But I didn't realize that I'd crossed into full-blown addiction territory until my precious iPhone was stolen out from under me.

At our skeeball bar, no less. My personal Cheers. The bar that hosted hundreds of people for the Brewskeeball National Championship, where iPhones sat charging by bathroom sinks, given nary a second glance, left well enough alone.

I held it together until my visit to the Apple store - more specifically, until my designated "Genius" informed me that I'd have to fork over approximately $500 for the right to replace what had been tragically taken from me, by no fault of my own. (Unless you count leaving an iPhone unattended for 5 minutes a fault of my own. Oh, point taken ... moving on).

Seriously - the iPad had just come out at this time, and was selling for $400. Yet I'd have to pay more than that to purchase an outdated version of a phone that I had already owned for five months?

I trudged home, sans new iPhone. I felt like I was leaving an intervention, told that I'd need to go cold turkey, give up my addiction and be sentenced to rehab.

I called Momma J the next morning from my office, looking for some sympathy. Sympathy that she really wasn't interested in giving - she'd sworn seconds after we unwrapped the iPhones on Christmas morning that they would be the only ones she'd purchase for us.

"If you lose it, that's IT."

And so it was. UNTIL ...

The bacon-loving co-worker from posts past (affectionately known to us as Apwam - don't ask) mentioned that he had an extra one.

What? Who has an extra iPhone just lying around? That they're willing to donate to poor, first-world-problem-afflicted 20-somethings?

Apwam, that's who.

Momma J overnighted that sucker from Austin to NYC and I was back to my Internet-absorbed, iPhone loving ways in no time.

I've managed to hold onto this one so far, and will probably give in and upgrade to the iPhone 4 once I'm eligible (stupid AT&T and its restrictive ways).

Because I - like all of those suckers that waited in the heat for hours on end the day the new model came out - have become an Apple addict.

It's unexplainable ... And I don't care - as most aptly demonstrated by my (and Smaddy and Carstee's) new favorite viral video. I just have to have it.

An iPhone 4 shopper walks into a store:

So here's to the addiction that's more expensive than crack. Maybe someday they will sell them in Walgreens - here's hoping.

Scoutmob; PMA; Grooveshark

Things that impress and inspire, excite a desire.

Website Edition.  

1. Scoutmob:

Here's the deal. I'm super into mailing lists. Coupons. What to do this weekend. Events, shows, concerts, restaurants, festivals - I want to know about it all.

Scoutmob takes these quintessential roundup-type e-mails a step further by offering daily deals. Fo' FREE. And I'm not talking, 'get a free soda when you buy an entree' type deals. I'm talking, 'let's practically give this shit away to get these people in here' kind of deals.

I'm not talking, 'let's only offer this badass deal for one hour during the most inconvenient time of the day.' I'm talking, 'let's offer this bad ass deal for THREE MONTHS so that subscribers can actually use it.' 

 

Today's daily deal? 50% off Hill Country BBQ. Hell yes, y'all. Sign. Me. Up. Ribs, brisket, beer can chicken, chili-mac, Kreuz sausage, corn pudding, bourbon sweet potato mash, shoestring green bean casserole. OK, I digress. And am now drooling.

Not only is the food detrimentally delicious for waistlines everywhere, this place also happens to be a little slice of Texas heaven smack-dab in the middle of the Flatiron district.

Come football season, you can find me here every Saturday with my fellow Texas transplants swilling Lonestar beer, dressed in burnt orange from head-to-toe, cheering for the Longhorns, screaming "give 'em hell, make'em eat shit, "OU sucks," and a number of other chants that make no sense to you unless you went to the greatest University in the world. (Yeah, we're pretty obnoxious. Kind of like Yankee fans or Red Sox fans. But better. And more awesome.)  

Back to Scoutmob, not only is it amazing for subscribers, local businesses are totally getting down with this shit. It provides a way for businesses to track response rates, reach customers on the go through a mobile iPhone app, and taps into social media networks by prompting users to share deals with friends via Twitter and Facebook. Hello free word of mouth and new customer base.

Way to go Scoutmob creators/marketing strategists. You win. I wish I was as smart as you, and I salute you.

2. Pretty Much Amazing (PMA):

Speaking of amazing and my affinity for sites that point me in the direction of anything new or up-and-coming; let's talk about PMA.

Brought to us by a group of self-proclaimed "music geeks," PMA breaks down the latest and greatest in alternative and independent music (oft described as an indie-electro guide to the current music scene).

Another interesting tidbit - all of the clips, links and soundbites posted are legal and free; something to admire in an age of piracy and legal battles over rights and distribution policies. 

The PMA-gurus recently posted a list of the best songs of 2010, which is updated quarterly. I highly suggest you peruse. Snagging the number one spot is LCD Soundsystem with "All I Want" and "I Can Change," both off of their newest album, "This is Happening."

While I can get down with both selections, there are other songs on the album that steal my vote for best song ("Drunk Girls" and "One Touch" to name two ♥).

Other songs on the list worth mention in my book include:

• 
  
  48: “Who Makes Your Money” - Spoon (An Austin band, so not surprising I'm sure, but also just an interesting sound)
• 
  
  42: “Factory” - Band of Horses (Beautifully lazy)
• 
  
  35: “Opposite of Adults” - Chiddy Bang (A cooler/realer version of current faves like Asher Roth, IMO)
• 
  
  27: “Bang Pop” - Free Energy (Old school rock'n roll; lava lamps, bell bottoms and joints)
• 
  
  24: “Lifted” - Lemonade (Like Chester French meats badass electro beats)
• 
  
  21: “Little Lion Man” - Mumford & Sons (Love the gravelly sound that penetrates to the core, begetting emotion)
• 
  
  13: “Superfast Jellyfish” Gorillaz (Whimsical, catchy, seemingly nonsensical but delve deeper for meaning)

3. Grooveshark:

By now you know I'm all about free. And music. It keeps me company all day in the fluorescent hell that is an office with no windows. Sure, I like Pandora and Slacker. But I pay for neither so must endure annoyingly grating commercials.

I had a brief love affair with Imeem, but then they sold out and joined forces with MySpace, which happens to be the only website we can't access at my office. I'm pretty sure you could stream porn here without anyone noticing. But MySpace? Banned.

Enter Grooveshark - a site that houses approx 7-million songs, accessible fo'free for as many plays as your little heart desires. I thought this was something that everyone knew about, but have mentioned it to several friends lately (who are generally up on their shit) that were surprised to hear about it. So, if you fall into this category, you're welcome.

Now go listen to PMA's top 50 songs of the quarter and search for your faves on Grooveshark.

Drop it Like its Hot

As I write this, 102 degrees of heat stealthily radiate from the asphalt below my window, waiting to slap me in the face the moment I venture out of doors.

Yes, the heat is on. No, I'm not in Texas. But because I'm from there, I seem to be one of approximately 5 people on the island of Manhattan not overtly concerned with the current state of weather-related affairs.

My co-worker P-Dub came by my office this afternoon with the express purposes of showing off his pit-stains and lamenting the sad droop in his previously-coiffed 'do post lunch run.

And the New York Times has shown up on my Twitter feed approximately 5 times in the last 3 hours requesting pictures of what "hot" looks like (if I were them, I probably would have been more specific - there are some real pervs out there that might misconstrue the ask ...).

Though, according to Gawker, all of the hullabaloo is fueled by a slow news day following a four day weekend as opposed to the fiery furnace that is Manhattan itself.

Perhaps the fact that we Texans have air-conditioned vehicles to transport us from our centrally-air-conditioned homes to our next centrally-air-conditioned destination of choice is the reason that we're able to scoff high-and-mightily at all those who deign to complain about triple digit temps.

The one thing I will agree upon, however, is that waiting for a subway in this shit is horrific.

Therefore, fellow New Yorkers, do as I do and become a bus-convert. Waiting above ground beats the hell out of feeling like a pair of sweaty balls constricted by cotton gym shorts during track practice (I mean, not that I know exactly how that would feel, other than gross) while you stand miserably squished shoulder-to-sweaty-shoulder with strangers on the subway platform praying for the next train to come.

Though I'm not impressed with the heat-related whining, I'm always up for a good cold-weather-carping sesh. (See Snowpocalypse 2010). I'll take hot-hot-heat over fucking-freezing any day.

Just more of my Texas showing I suppose ...

Currently Coveting: Edition Numero Uno

Things that impress and inspire, excite a desire.

So, as I promised (myself), here's the first edition of things I'm currently obsessed with.

Heather Moore Jewelry:

This was a Guilt Groupe/Momma J find. If I could afford the $500 - $2,000 price point, I would totally rock one or more of these charms.

Robicelli's Cupcakes:
I'm clearly so obsessed, that I follow them on Twitter.

The freakin cutest local cupcake shop, based out of Brooklyn. Matt and Allison Robicelli bake bad-ass cupcakes with local ingredients in small batches, then deliver them to storefronts throughout Brooklyn and Manhattan. Pictured above: "The Duckwalk"- Vanilla cake with blueberry port-mascarpone buttercream, homemade blueberry port jam, and fresh blueberries. The blueberry port jam in the center was my favorite part. Trekking around the LES in 95 degree weather to find it was my least. (But totally worth it.)

Other flavors I'm hoping to try (if I ever manage to get to the right spot at the right time):

“The Bluth” (which, let's face it, I would probably try just for the name alone. I mean, can I hang out with these people? I think we should be friends ...) - chocolate banana cake studded with chocolate chips and walnuts, with chocolate buttercream, ganache and roasted walnuts

“The Yvonne” - 2003 Late harvest reisling cake and buttercream topped with blueberry-thai basil compote (What? I wish I could tell you that I've come up with something half as interesting in the kitchen as blueberry-thai basil compote on top of a cupcake)

“The Maltz”(why, hello bacon, fancy meeting you here) - chocolate bourbon cake and buttercream with candied bacon

“Bea Arthur” (again with the toungue and cheek - ♥) - Black coffee infused chocolate cake with cheesecake buttercream and espresso ganache

“The Red, White and Blue” (4th of July special - yum) -  vanilla cake filled with wildberry jam, mascarpone buttercream and fresh berries

And since we mentioned bacon already ... :

Bakon Vodka - "a clean refreshing potato vodka with delicious savory bacon flavor"

Anecdotally, Momma J wanted to order this for her co-worker's birthday, as he's obsessed with the current all-things-bacon-craze (see BBCC). Since they don't sell it in the great state of Texas, I ventured over to Astor Wines & Spirits to purchase some for her. Once securely wrapped in approximately 5 lbs. of bubble wrap, I shipped it to Austin (illegally, of course) for their bacony-consumption.

Next up, buy some for myself and host a bloody mary brunch party, complete with a bar of bloody mary mixin's and copious amounts of bacon. If I'm really gonna go for it, maybe I'll try and candy my own bacon as a garnish. Updates to come, if this actually happens ...

And there you have it folks - 3 things that I'm currently coveting. Aside from leaving this flourescently-lit office for some sunshine and long weekend's worth of 4th of July celebration, that is. Hope you all have a great extended weekend!

Jumpin on the 20sb Blog Carnival* Bandwagon: Friends and Money

How do your friends and others affect your choices regarding money?

Given the fact that I diagnosed my wallet with bulimia shortly before I received an e-mail from the 20sb folks announcing the next Carnival topic, I feel it's only fitting that I weigh (heh) in.

To answer the question straight off the bat - my friends may as well take sole responsibility for the poor health of my bank account. Well, my friends and New York City.

Between $10 deli sandwiches, $7-$10 domestic beers (and I'm not even talkin' the handcrafted, artisanal sort - tangentially, I'm dying to try this SixPoint Dr. Klankenstein brew), $20 brunches, $12 movie tickets, and lord knows whatever other astronomical prices I pay for consumer items, the 'ol wallet is a little ragged.

"Budget! Personal restraint! Savings!" you may say. Ha. Impossible. I've tried. No really, I have. May I present, for your consideration, Exhibit A:

The LP (heterosexual Life Partner):

Hello Loves - I was just glancing over the weather report, and discovered that this very Friday we are going to be treated to one of those marvelously idyllic 85 degree and sunny days in NYC. As such, I do believe we are required to celebrate. And of course, as it’s Friday we are mandated to consume copious amounts of alcohol. Therefore, I propose a drinking celebration at one of this great city’s many outdoor watering holes. Frying Pan… maybe, Berry Park… perhaps, Blockheads… always a crowd pleaser. So let me know if you are willing to take up the charge. Will dream go on to live in infamy or will it die embarrassed and withering in the corner.

Me:

I just blew a ton ‘o cash on plane tickets home. I think I might attempt the impossible this weekend – STAYING IN! Dah dah duuuuhn …. Any who, keep me posted on your imbibing plans just in case. xo

LP:

1. A trip back to Texas = Super exciting

2. Boo for spending lots of money

3. This is not an acceptable excuse to avoid fun for a weekend

a. Do you understand that it is going to be 85 and sunny?

i. Are you going to sit in your apt and cry by yourself all night while watching reruns of the Bachelor?

b. Have I taught you nothing

i. Pre-gaming is basically free

ii. Buy a huge pitcher at the bar and drink all night for like $15

c. Did you read my email

i. It was amazing

ii. I sound like an 18th century lord

4. You do not have a choice.

a. You must attend as referenced in my email.

That is all.

Me:

Dear 18th Century Lord, Where art thou imbibing this splendid summer’s eve?

Regards, Wench #6 (per the order of initial correspondence)

You see - impossible, I say!

Good 'ol Charles Schwab spotted the severity of my financial illness from a mile away. This handy dandy financial fitness check-in tool has proclaimed me unfit to be a responsible 20-something adult (which is funny because I also proclaimed myself responsible in the same post that I discussed the horrid state of my finances).

A 24 I tell you! Not. Good. Ah well, perhaps Chuck can help me sort this out. And if not, at least he has painstakingly focused my attention upon the woeful state of my finances.

Thanks friends. And New York.

*Disclaimer: This post is part of the 20SB Blog Carnival: Friends & Money, sponsored by Charles Schwab. Prizes may be awarded to selected posts. The information and opinions expressed in this post do not reflect the views or opinions of Charles Schwab. Details on the event, eligibility, and a complete list of participating bloggers can be found here.