Celebrity couple nicknames and my Jessica Simpson tendencies.

One of the rooms recently [mysteriously] started receiving OK Magazine in the mail – naturally I’ve added this to my list of her other mag subscriptions that I steal and consume on a monthly basis.

While I’m guilty of an US Weekly obsession, I’ve never really gotten down with OK. I realize to the lay-person they may appear exactly the same. However, I can somehow justify US whereas OK is just too over-the-top. Come on ladies, I know you agree.

I know, I don’t get it either.

Anyway – the point – ever since I read OK’s last “RPatz and KStew” update, I’ve been obsessed with giving our coupled friends ridiculous “celebrity” nicknames. I won’t reveal them here [just to protect the innocent] but instead will tell you that one sounds vaguely like a dinosaur specie and the other like a porn name.

In short – awesome.

So this got me to thinking … I fear that I will never be eligible to receive a celebrity couple nickname and will instead be of the single-friend contingent for eternity, forced to settle for coining hilariously inappropriate monikers for everyone else instead.

Seriously, I can make "boyfriends" with the best of them. Just yesterday, I went to buy a new AC unit for my window and was asked for my number within about 5 minutes – after telling my hilarious who-could-possibly-be-dumb-enough-to-drop-their-AC-unit-out-the-window-onto-the-sidewalks-of-NYC?: this-girl story.

Unfortunately for him (and me) I really have no interest in hanging out with a guy that sells AC units for a living [ahem, or sanitation workers]. And the boys that I am interested in hanging out with seldom seem to return my admiration.

In short, a case of Jessica-Simpson-Syndrome.

Seriously, she could probably get any ol’ normal guy she wanted (in this analogy sanitation workers and appliance salesman are to me what normal boys are to famous pop stars).

But instead, she goes for the Tony Romos and John Mayers of the world and is rebuffed every time.

Seriously. The only explanation I can come up with, is that we both suffer from occasional lapses into full-on CGS territory – a term my friend Rachey invented to describe Crazy Girl Syndrome:

The condition where outwardly great females - beautiful, smart, funny, seemingly confident - turn into neurotic, psycho bitches who shamelessly obsess and go after typically unworthy guys far longer than they should.

Yep. It happens to the best of us. And approximately a year ago, I had a bit of a Tony Romo sitch on my hands, and decided that I no longer wanted to be that girl - prompting me to let it go and conduct the FB Master Cleanse.
 
Too bad the anonymous gentleman in that post has made a return. Along with my CGS.
 
Here's to hoping that I can hide it, break the Jessica Simpson cycle, and re-kindle my "relationship" with the infamous cleanse-inducer ...
 
Updates to follow I'm sure.

Is there nothing sacred? Have we lost our moral center? It just makes me want to pee on someone.

-Tracy Jordan

Not only am IAAB, IAA Materialistic B.
(IAAB = I Am A Bitch, for those not in the know.)

So … I owe you all an update. After airing my grievances regarding the Mayor, I decided I was done. And I would hope he never called or texted again so I wouldn’t have to tell him so.

And then, he texted me again.

With an offer almost on par with yachts and T Pain, no less – tickets to Tracy Morgan stand-up. For tonight. Talk about losing my moral center … (Maybe minus the wanting to pee on someone part. I mean, I do enjoy awkward, but that may be where I draw the line. Maybe.)

You know when you’re just absolutely torn and you get that deer-in-headlights, confused-squirrel-trying-to-decide-which-way-to-run-to-avoid-the-oncoming-car kind of feeling? Like when they put a big plate of cupcakes out at the office for snack time (Yes, we’re like kindergartners. We get snack time. I’d prefer nap time, but whatev.) and you know you shouldn’t eat one because you just vowed to love and honor Crunch but you’ve had a really shitty day (or you're hungover) and you just really kind of want one? And then you eat two? (Just me?)

That’s how I felt when faced with my Hang Out With The Mayor One More Time To Use Him For Tracy Morgan Tickets vs. Tell Him You’re Just Not That Into Him dilemma. And of course, I polled my friends again, because that’s what I do. Am I indecisive? I can’t decide …

LP’s vote?

(The “bowel issues” comment references LP’s theory behind the reason the Mayor abruptly aborted our last date … Also, LP – you clearly need to keep up with the freakin’ blog. Especially since you're in like, every other post. Geez.)

See also the below e-mail from LP:

Are you going to be around tonight? I’m trying to preplan my escape from the date with [redacted], and Lord knows I’m gonna need a drink after that. It should be done by like 11ish (I told him I have a bday party). Let me know.

P.S. Are you going with that guy to see Tracy Morgan???

P.P.S How amazing is it that we are both dating boys that we don’t like so we can do fun stuff for free.

Pearls. Of. Wisdom.

Now’s the time for you to guess how I chose to handle this situation.

What’s that? You guessed that I told him I would go? Yes, you know me all too well.

Clearly, Carstees talked me into texting him and accepting the offer. I think the logic went something like: “It’s Tracy Mother Fuckin’ Morgan. DO IT!” Very persuasive, Carstees. Oh yeah, and those three vodka sodas probably had something to do with it, too.

So after I sealed my fate last night, he texted me this morning to tell me the tickets are sold out. And now I’m just waiting for him to propose his shitty alternative plans to the best stand-up show ever. And clearly I can’t say I’m busy. I mean, he may not be the most intelligent guy I’ve ever gone on a date with, but if I cancel now I think that might just tip him off to the fact that I was only going to hang out with him because TMorg was in the mix.

Oh Karma, you’re such a bitch. You may now all chuckle at my self-induced misfortune. That is all.

LOST: A love affair.

If you’re an avid fan of Lost blogs, you probably won’t be blown away by the following commentary. I don’t propose to have all – or any – of the answers, I just feel the need to weigh in on one of my fave shows of all time, given it's the last season and all ... *tear.

You see, Lost and I share a special history. I was one of the late adaptors, not having discovered the show until season 2. Some people argue that this is the best way to watch Lost – catching up on an entire season’s worth of episodes consecutively.

I’ll tell you this much, it sure does ease the suspense. And alleviate the panic-induced stress that stems from missing an episode during its original air time. (Oh my god, DVR, please work … Rooms, don’t accidentally hit cancel or delete … Please lord, don’t stop recording half way through a Sawyer scene …) Or I guess you could just Hulu it, but whatever.

Back to the history of my love affair with Lost – I previously mentioned that my Heterosexual Life Partner (LP) and I met studying abroad in Barcelona. We had a fourth roommate in our apartment that quickly became the anti-life-partner. Let’s call her Kitty. If I never see Kitty again in my life, I won’t be disappointed.

I hate to stereotype, but for the sake of brevity, I’m gonna. Being the little ‘ol Southern girl that I am, I had never been introduced to the term “Jappy” before I met Kitty. This urban dictionary definition eerily captures her completely. Although she and I clearly did NOT get along, I didn’t mind using her for her extensive collection of TV shows on iTunes.

Starved for any English-language media we could get our hands on, LP and I staged Lost screenings on the weekends while recovering from our all-night Barca benders. We were quickly sucked in, and subsequently bonded over the drama, the mystery, and the likes of shirtless Matthew Fox/Josh Holloway.

Four seasons later, we’re still obsessed. And can’t wait for the “answers” to be revealed. I missed Tuesday’s episode, and finally sat down to watch it last night, texting LP through its duration (things like: “Tenerife!!!!” because we travelled there while on study abroad – it was extremely intellectual commentary).

She’d already seen it, and proclaimed it “THE BEST EPISODE OF LOST SINCE THE HATCH!!!!!!!!” (There may have been even more exclamation points than that …) so I was pretty excited and expecting epic.

Which it was … But I’m getting nervous that I’m going to feel extremely let down come the end. I mean, I’d heard “the island as hell/purgatory” type theory before, and decided that it was too neat. There’s been a lot of crazy shit that’s gone down, and storylines so complex they make your head hurt. I want a complex answer, dammit. I want dark and messy, not tidy and easy.

Maybe I’m speaking prematurely, and good ‘ol JJ still has more awesome in store for us. But if everything is easily explained, I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.

Anyway, I digress, and leave you with a few thoughts and musings from the latest episode.

• Thoughts on the entire, Richard-centric first half of the episode: this shit is depressing.
• Also, the bible verse he was reading before talking to the priest probably had some significance that's totally beyond me ...
• I’m assuming that Richard’s ship is the same ship we’ve seen all throughout (and also trying to recall if we already know this to be true …) If so, poignant that this is where he went to finally try and die – I’m a fan of full circles.
• I was totally tricked by the Man in Black’s song-and-dance, and kind of wanted to believe that he was the good guy and that Jacob is in fact the devil.
• I also think it’s interesting that Dogan told Sawyer the same thing about the MIB (take this dagger, stab him as soon as you see him, don’t let him talk to you or it’s too late) that the MIB said to Richard about Jacob. (Complicated/confusing sentence, much?)
• So if Jacob’s not the devil, is the Man in Black the devil? Or just evil-incarnate? What did he originally look like before Jacob “took” his humanity or body or whatever? How and why did that even happen in the first place?
• The conversation with Jacob and Richard regarding right vs. wrong needs closer examination. Clearly, Jacob chooses to steer people with sordid pasts to the island. To offer them a chance for redemption? And Richard fit that bill, as he so desperately coveted forgiveness for a crime he didn’t mean to commit. I wonder why then, he can’t become Jacob’s replacement. Is he no longer a candidate because he tried to harm Jacob? Or because he’s aware of what’s going on, so can’t unknowingly choose the side of good over the side of evil?
• What’s the significance of the white rock Jacob gives to the Man in Black?
• Who out of our survivors do you think would be most aptly suited to replace Jacob? I actually think Locke was probably the best – he certainly wanted it the most. But I guess he was too weak in the end? I would say not Sawyer as he’s in cahoots with the MIB. Maybe Hurley?
• The MIB smashing the bottle of wine = foreshadowing his escape ...?

Now that I’ve jotted these down, I’m going to go peruse the internets for other ideas/feedback/theories.

P.S. Which Lost blogs do y’all read religiously? Favorite theories for the meaning of it all? (I liked Approaching Lost because it’s organized and easy to follow, but it looks like there haven’t been any new posts in a while... Lame.)

Celebrity Funeral: Matthew McConaughey

What would it be like if Matthew McConaughey’s gloriously chiseled, sweaty abdominals ceased to glisten under those bright rays of sunshine? What would people say if he was no longer around to “just keep livin’?” Would they miss his sexy Southern drawl?

We found out last night during Celebrity Funeral: Matthew McConaughey at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre.

Eugoogolizers included:

•Camilla Alves (via Skype – she’s busy these days folks, and didn’t mind telling us all about her new show Shear Genius “which airs on Bravo WED @ 10/9C” instead of actually eugoogolizing Matt)

• Charles Dickens (you know him – he gave Matt his permission to adapt his semi-famous play A Christmas Carol into the now largely-famous movie Ghosts of Girlfriends Past)

• Padma Lakshmi (who apologizes for the fight she got into with Camilla during the funeral – but still maintains that she and Matt would have made a far better movie-star/Bravo-TV-host-couple)

Of course, one of my favorite speakers of the night was Matt’s shirt. Yes, his shirt:

Clearly Shirt had some repressed anger to express – all those times Matt discarded him in favor of a trip to the beach or a run with his best bros Lance Armstrong and Jake Gyllenhaal. You can imagine how badly Shirt needs some serious therapy.

But I must say, the number one eugoogaly of the night goes to ….

Maya Angelou.

As played by a white man.

I was confused at first too, but then when I heard Maya speak of the racy relationship she had with Matt, I understood. I would attempt to paraphrase the poem she read for him – entitled “Can you find the buried treasure?” – but I wouldn’t do it any justice. And it’s entirely way too vulgar – unless you don’t find the thought of Maya Angelou’s lady parts offensive.

All in all, the whole thing was pretty enjoyable – from the slideshows of Matt’s abs to the bongo full of his “ashes” that they placed up at the podium, there were lots of laughs to be had.

My biggest complaint was the length – entirely too short. And I think my expectations were pretty high, since the last time I was at the Upright Citizens Brigade Amy Sedaris was a guest in the show.

Imagine Strangers with Candy live before your eyes. Yes please.

In any case, I’ve now resolved to up my current average number of trips to UCB per year (ahem... that would be 1) – and am now accepting applicants for UCB-going companions.

I always wanted to say this... fa-shizzle.

Several friends have sent me links to various articles on Tiger's trashy texts this morning, and every commercial break on TV last night was like, “Coming up next on your LOCAL NEWS, Tiger’s racy SEXTS!”

I’m sorry, local news? This is pertinent to my life? Entertaining yes, but worthy of 10 lead-ins before the 10 o’clock news? TMZ and FOX are like, practically the same thing these days.

P.S. How awesome would it be if Chapelle's Show was still on the air? This would make one bad-ass skit, fa-shizzle.