Stuff White People Like

I'm pretty sure I've previously mentioned how much I love my skeeball family. If you're tired of hearing about it, take a moment to get over it, then please continue reading.

A new skeeason (season) is hovering 'round the bend, which means we need to start practicing. Rookie tried to call the first practice today but the snowicane quashed that plan. Instead of a definitive date for practice, I came away from this particular e-mail exchange with something much more valuable.

See for yourself:

Rook: Hey Skeenormous... THUNDERBALLS!!! is going over to FCB (Ed. Note: Full Circle Bar) for some practice tomorrow night (Thu) at 7. u guys wanna join??? (Ed. Note: Skeenormous Balls & Thunderballs!!! = team names)

Skeeazy E: Guys it is supposed to be a fuckin shit storm of snow and freezing rain. I propose we reschedule for friday or saturday or pre-broty sunday. (Ed Note: BROTY = Best Roller of the Year competition)

C-Funk: won't be able to join you guys sunday - going curling during the day

Rook: The second part of that statement requires further explanation (Ed. Note: said explanation involved jokes about ascots and Connecticut but has been removed for brevity) ...that is WASPily awesome. I'm always down for a good ole' fashioned super white activity.

... on a related topic, ever notice there's like one black guy at skeeball?

C-Funk: and for all of you who have met him, he's Carlton Banks black. barely even counts.

Skeedonist: I love white people.

C-Funk: http://www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/

And that's when I read one of the most hilarious websites of all time - if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you check it out.

Anyway, approximately 48 e-mails and a perusal of the website later, I came up with the following little gem (which I wrote with no one particular in mind - just all of us really):

Stuff White People Like: Skeeball Edition

Skeeball is a sport involving little movement, lots of drinking, and wooden balls – which provide endless fodder for witty (and sometimes not so witty) sexual innuendo. Since most white people have lazy, alcoholic tendencies, and love a good “that’s what she said joke,” it’s no wonder they love to play skeeball.

White people also enjoy puns because puns make them feel more intelligent. Skeeball provides white people the opportunity to employ puns with great frequen-skee, therefore further cementing the game as white people’s sport of choice.

White people also enjoy any excuse to derive clever, catchy nicknames for one another. Nicknames that correlate with inside jokes make white people even giddier, as they strengthen bonds between teammates and provide a subtle way to exclude other white people.

Nicknames also enhance the appearance of the white person’s skeeball apparel. A personalized t-shirt is a must-have when it comes to a white person’s skeeball persona, something that all players must work hard to cultivate if they wish to be taken seriously (ahem, skeeriously).

The national home of the white person’s skeeball league is in a bar in a trendy neighborhood in Brooklyn because that's where all the cool white kids hang out. The bar serves locally brewed beers and cleverly named cocktails (see above reference to white people and puns) as this makes white people feel justified in spending large sums of money on binge drinking.

In turn, the alcohol helps all of the white boys and girls dance better to Weezer songs while they wait for their turn to show off their skeeball prowess. Contrary to what one might think, skeeball does contain a certain level of skill – if it didn’t, white people wouldn’t play it because then anyone would be able to play and be good at it. If anyone were able to play, then white people wouldn’t be able to brag about how much better they are at the game than their friends, which happens to be another one of their favorite pastimes.

While all of these reasons contribute to skeeball’s level of popularity among white people, the number one reason white people like the game so much is that they suck at most other sports. Whitey from Brooklyn takes his skeeball career very seriously as he probably won’t ever have another opportunity to be featured on the face of a trading card, or in a video on ESPN.com.