Reflecting and Resolving

Happy 2010! Hope everyone had fun celebrating, and that you've all sufficiently recovered from your resulting hangovers.

This year's festivities definitely topped last year's (which wasn't a tall order). I was a bit too enthusiastic with the champagne last year, and also fell prey to a few of Rachey's poison drinks so didn't actually end up leaving my apartment.

This year, I paced myself better at the beginning of the evening, but things went downhill when LD confiscated a bottle of champagne for the two of us to share at midnight. So far, none of the pictures that have surfaced have been scandalous, and I'm hoping that trend continues...

As for resolutions moving forward, I've not dwelt on the matter too much. I do know, though, that I'd like to sit down and map out a few goals for myself in an effort to accomplish something new this year. Of late, I've begun to suspect that I am actually kind of lazy...

And I don't want to be lazy, complacent. Sometimes I'm able to fool myself into thinking I'm not. That I'm on some path to bigger and better things. I'll have euphoric New York weekends, distracted by the energy, the rarities, oddities, and curiosities I'm sometimes lucky enough to stumble upon.

But then, the feeling creeps its way in. It usually happens at night when I'm impatiently waiting for dreams. I'll start to make them up before I totally slip into sleep, and then can't stop thinking about all of the things I need and want to accomplish.

It's like, when we were kids and we'd try to make it from one end of the swimming pool to the other, completely under water.

We started out confident, propelling ourselves with our feet from the wall at the shallow end, speeding towards the deep end like rockets. But once we crossed from shallow to deep, we'd start to loose momentum, run out of breathe, and will ourselves to hold on a little longer so that we could make it to the other side.

That's what the feeling is like. My chest constricts as if I'm under the weight of the water. My body fills with tension and my head feels heavy and full. I think that if I just keep going, I'll find a way to make it to the other side so that I can kick to the top and break through the surface.

If only I could figure out what it is that I'm aching so badly to do. I think I could hold my breath long enough, I could kick a little harder, stretch my arm and fingertips as far as possible to reach my goal so that I could breathe easy again.

I'm scared that I won't figure it out, that I won't find a way to release this pressure inside of me. I've crossed from shallow to deep, but I don't really know where I'm aiming to go from here.

I made it to New York, but I need to decide what I want to do now that I'm here. So that's my resolution for myself in 2010. To set a few goals that I can accomplish, insead of just floating along, holding my breath and waiting for something to happen.